The 'Life' of a Vegan 'Make-up Artist'

I've been putting off making this post for a long time. I wasn't sure what I would write. This blog got abandoned along with my hope, when I realised I couldn't stay in denial any longer - I am far too ill to work. 

When my Nan was alive, she came to live with my parents and I so we could help her with meals and generally look out for her when she was too frail and ill with her asthma. Even as her health declined, she still paid rent on her old house - she was adamant she'd move back in when she was well enough. We'd play along, but we knew she'd never be well enough again. 

Nan was the type of person who loved looking after everyone. Extremely house-proud, every ornament was dusted and facing the right direction, every surface was polished. She'd clean up your crumbs and offer you more while you were still halfway through your food. She'd iron any clean clothes she could get her hands on, socks and knickers included. 

Nan and I, around 1997 I think.

It was hard for her when she had to give up her cleaning job, but harder still was giving up her independence. Being looked after by those she had once bathed and fed, and bounced on her knee. 

I find myself thinking about her now a lot, how I'd underestimated exactly what she went through at the time, as her body began to betray her. I lie in bed day in, day out, having my meals brought to me by my parents, in the same room where she laid and had meals brought to her. 

When she died I was devastated, I loved her fiercely. But at the same time, a small part of me was relieved. I was no longer constantly worrying about her health and well being. I was glad she was no longer suffering, weak and ill and sad, though she smiled for us.

What happened to her in her eighties has happened to me, and I'm still in my twenties. I often wonder if, in the coming months or years I were to die, would my family feel that small sense of relief I felt for Nan all those years ago? ME/CFS is not a terminal illness, but it can certainly take your life from you. I pushed and shoved and forced myself to work for so long, because I simply loved it. I enjoyed my job and it was worth it, even if I had to turn down more jobs than I accepted. Even when I could only manage working two days a month, I cherished those days. 

In the last year, I became unreliable, cancelling jobs at the last minute because I couldn't make it through my routine of bathing and dressing before I had to lie down, weak and exhausted. The jobs I did make it to, I no longer enjoyed, having to focus on staying standing, concentrating on what I was doing while my limbs ached, and every part of my body was begging me to lie down. It was time to admit defeat.

So now I'm no longer a make-up artist, what am I going to do with my life? I have no frikkin clue. Here is a Venn Diagram explaining my dilemma.

That question mark has been plaguing me for a long time. I need a sense of purpose, I need to achieve something tangible. My mental health, which is shaky at best, has definitely taken a hit now that my days are just spent killing time and trying to quell my epic boredom.

What does the future hold for me? For this blog? I'll need to change the name if I'm to continue. The Life of a Vegan Bed-Dweller? 

I guess only time will tell. I have far too much of it these days.

Til Next Time,

Emma
xXx

A Very Late Princess...

You may remember, that on the 12th of May, I posted about fundraising for ME Awareness Day, by dressing up as a princess. Except I didn't actually dress up as a princess that day, as I felt too ill. The thing about having ME, is that you feel 'too ill' an awful lot. My depression has also been worse lately, I seem to have lost all motivation, the past month or so. 

Actual footage from my life.

Me trying to get stuff done.

So, I didn't get around to taking my princess pictures for a while, and I haven't got around to posting them until now. What can I say, I like leaving you in suspense!

Do you want to see my princess pics? Go on, then...

I chose to base my look around how ME makes me feel. Grief, for the life I could've had. Frustration, from having to push through debilitating fatigue in order to do anything. Envy, watching others live their lives, healthy and unencumbered. Basically, I threw a pity party on my face, with make-up. I'm carrying a powder brush to represent my (sometime) job, and a spoon to represent the 'spoon theory' explanation of illness, and me as a 'spoonie'.

Product list!

Face-

Kiss My Face Sunscreen SPF 50 Face Factor

 - I actually forgot I was wearing this, it's why I have a bit of a white cast from the flash on my face and neck - oops!
Illuminare Concealing Extra Coverage Mineral Foundation in Alabaster and Porcelain, as concealer.
Lily Lolo Mineral Foundation in China Doll.
Lunatick Cosmetic Labs Cool Contour Palette in 1 to highlight, and 2 and 3 to contour.

She bravely posted a side profile pic. #schnoz

Eyes
E.L.F Mineral Eyeshadow Primer
Diggy Diggy Hole by Shiro on lid and undereye.
A touch of an acid green shimmer Yaby Shadow on inner corner
A mixture of forest green and brown matte Yaby Shadows on crease and inner socket.
Barry M Black Kohl liner all around eyes, on waterline and tightline.
Brows Smoking by Neve Cosmetics. 

Tears Mystery by Beauty Without Cruelty mixed with acid green shimmer from Yaby and Holographic glitter from OCC. Mixed with E.L.F Mixing medium and a touch of clear OCC Lip Tar.

Mascara - Barry M Lash Vegas
Ardell Demi Wispie Lashes

Lips
Women's Weapons by Shiro Mixed with E.L.F mixing medium and clear OCC lip Tar. Topped with 1 from Lunatick Cosmetic Labs Cool Contour Palette in centre of lips.

What do you think of the look? Hopefully I can raise some money for ME Research UK! I have already raised £40 (yay!) at the time of writing on my JustGiving page, so I should get a bit more now that I've come up with the goods, right? I'm really hoping to get to my goal of £100. If you can, please donate! It's so important, ME research is extremely under funded.
In order to encourage you to donate, I present to you these silly pics from my princess 'shoot'.

Theodore getting on on the fun.

Spoooooooon.

Ballgown & socks, the new fashion trend, because sometimes princesses have cold feet!

Click here to donate, or text CFSM51 £3 to 70070. (Or replace £3 with how much you want to donate.) It really means a lot to me.

It means a lot to kitty, too.

That's all from me for now. I have a couple of posts in the pipeline, so don't be too surprised if you see another post soon!

Til Next Time,
Emma
xXx

Where Have I Been? A Confession

The more observant among you may have noticed that I haven't been a very frequent blogger. Me and blogging have a kind of long distance relationship - it's great when we're together, but we spend too much time apart. So I've decided to write this post to get you up to date and tell you the reason I haven't written a post in over a year! 

Now this is quite difficult for me to admit, because I've been hiding it or downplaying it to all but my closest friends and family. 

I've been ill. 

I suffer from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and depression. There, I said it. It's in the open. That wasn't so hard, was it? So why have I been so reluctant to tell people? Because I'm vegan. Let me explain.

A lot of vegans, myself included, feel like ambassadors - representing veganism to omnivores wherever we go. To a lot of my friends, clients and acquaintances, I'm the only vegan they know. If the only vegan they know is sick, it doesn't give a very good impression. And if somebody chose not to go vegan because of me, that would be awful. The animals they ate - their blood would be on my hands.

Of course my illness isn't caused or contributed to by my vegan diet. The diagnosis of CFS is reached by eliminating other causes of fatigue until there are none left. The first thing they check is your diet and blood for vitamin and mineral deficiencies. Multiple blood tests came back completely normal, and the dietitian I was referred to said I had the healthiest diet of anyone they'd seen!

In all my research I've only ever come across one other vegan with CFS. (She's lovely, by the way, a real inspiration.) I'm a member of many vegan groups and forums, too, and found the vast majority to be in the best of health.

I didn't want to be the stereotypical pale, skinny, ill vegan.

But I knew that wouldn't matter to people. They were going to take one look at me and make a connection in their minds between illness and veganism. I couldn't let that happen. So I hid it. When you work freelance, it's easy to have a rest between jobs and outings to allow yourself to recover.  Every once in a while you can put on a smile and hide the debilitating tiredness, knowing you'll pay for it tomorrow. However, as time went on, the gaps between working grew wider, and the depression that has afflicted me since childhood worsened. There are few things more frustrating than being unable to live the life you want, be active and do the things you love. 

Because there is no official consensus on the causes or cure for CFS, the NHS simply don't treat it. They don't even try. All I have ever been offered is occupational therapy, to help me adapt and cope with my limitations. So out of desperation I began my own research online into treatments.

There is a vast array of information and misinformation out there about CFS treatments. I can't tell you how many hours I've spent reading and researching, how much money I've spent on supplements and herbs that had no effect. I've pored over every post in every forum, desperate for some glimmer of hope. 

In the course of my research, I came across what I believe to be one of the main causes of CFS. Methylation problems. Put simply, the methylation cycle is the way the brain uses folic acid and vitamin B12, converting them into a range of chemicals needed by the brain and body. This process is controlled by certain genes, and mutations in these genes can cause illness. Looking through the list of diseases caused was like looking through my medical history - CFS, depression, anxiety, IBS, ADHD. It is also said to cause autism, autoimmune diseases, birth defects, heart problems, and a host of other conditions too numerous to mention. So I immediately set about learning all I could about the methylation cycle and the associated genes. I mean, how hard could it be?

OH GOD MY BRAIN HURTS!

I got my DNA tested at 23andme and ran the results through geneticgenie and nutrahacker. I found that I had a lot of mutations in the genes responsible for methylation, and in genes that research has linked to depression, IBS, and CFS. 

So, with my GP's blessing, I have begun a treatment plan, a 'methylation protocol'. The supplements recommended vary depending on your specific mutations, but usually consist of methylcobalamin and methylfolate, easily absorbed forms of B12 and folic acid. They advise starting with low doses and gradually increasing them, with some doctors and experts recommending many times the RDA. 

I haven't been taking the supplements for long, but I have been noticing subtle improvements.

Hopefully my health will continue to improve, and I will be able to work more often. In the meantime, I intend to resume blogging. So watch this space for new posts...

*** Disclaimer - The info here is provided for entertainment purposes only. I am not a doctor or medical professional, consult your doctor before you start any supplements and never self-diagnose! ***

For more information, look up Dr Amy Yasko, Rich Van Konynenburg, 'Methylation Made Easy' on Youtube, and the Phoenixrising.me forums.

Photographs from Google Images.